Super ambitious title, I know. Discovering who you are is a very nuanced thing and we are obviously multi-dimensional human beings that have numerous facets that make up “who we are”; but as a life coach, I’d argue that one of the fundamental aspect that makes us us is our VALUES.
I want to be rich, is that a value?
Values are the intangible things that help prioritize what’s important for us in our lives. So, for example, Connection, Community, Success, Accomplishment, Freedom, Peace, Joy — these are all values. Money is not. But what money represents (which is unique for each individual) like Freedom, Stability, Adventure, Success, Accomplishment, the list goes on — those are values. It’s what money buys or allows for, that we actually value. Money by itself, in a vacuum, is well…kind of useless (unless you have a big vault of it and you jump into it a la Scrooge McDuck…80s babies, holler at me!).
So I would argue that being able to define your Values help you go back to discovering what fulfills you, what serves as your litmus test in life. When you’re not fulfilling your Values is when you get that gross, icky feel in the pit of your stomach and constantly ask yourself “what the hell am I doing with my life?” Sound familiar?
You can glean Values in so many different ways; I could ask you “how do you like to spend your time?” or “tell me about your dream day/job/life” or any of those other questions that you may have heard in a life coaching setting. But my favorite way for clients who are parents is to have them write a letter to their child.
Side note: Do you write letters to your children? My husband I do this regularly; in fact, we set up a gmail account for Owen before he was even born and when something funny or notable happens, we send him a quick note with a picture or two. When he’s 13, he’ll have a vault full of emails from his parents marking his milestones and everyday happenings throughout his childhood. It’s fun and I encourage all parents to do it!
So I’m going to do a little coaching for you right now. I’m going to give you 3 assignments during this article that I’d like you to actually do!
Assignment 1: Write a Letter
Take the next 5 to 10 minutes to write a letter to your child. If you have more than one child, just pick one for the sake of this exercise. This is critical, do NOT spend more than 10 minutes doing this exercise. Let go of perfection and just let the words flow. It doesn’t have to be exact or perfect or whatever else that nagging voice might tell you in your brain it has to be. Just write. In your letter, tell your child what kind of adult you want them to grow up to be. What future you want them to have. What’s most important for them to know. Go on, take a couple of minutes…I”ll wait.
How was that? Whether this was your first letter or one of many, I hope this exercise was useful to you. And…what a wonderful gift you have to give to your child now or later when they grow up!
So…I’m obviously giving away the big “Aha” moment (I already stole my thunder in the intro of this blog) but I’ll go ahead and reveal it anyway — the things that you think are important to pass on to your child, well…those are things that are important for you.
If you find that you keep emphasizing how important it is for your child to be kind, well sounds like Kindness is a big value of yours. Or that your child be successful (value: Success), or stand up for what’s right (value: Justice), or to be strong (Strength) or independent (Independence)…well gee, sounds like those Values are important for you.
Assignment 2: Re-read the letter
So next, go ahead and re-read that letter; but instead of saying “Dear Child’s Name”, substitute your child’s name for yourself. Redirect that letter back to YOU, as the subject.
Did that shift anything? Oftentimes, my clients tell me that they realize how nice they are to their kid and how much harsher they are to themselves. I’m not surprised. We are our most harshest critics. The same hope and love we shower our kids are rarely redirected back to ourselves.
Assignment 3: Glean your values
So what do you value based on your letter? Can you tell? Here’s a letter I wrote to my Baby Girl (due in 5 weeks!) not too long ago. As you read my letter, can you tell what Values are important to me? Try it out.
Dear Baby Girl,
You’re 33 weeks old in my belly and I still don’t know what your name is. You see, your dad and I want to get it just perfect; but I realize that perfect isn’t important. Love is. Kindness is. Being confident in who you are, inside and out, is. I haven’t met you yet but I love you so much already. You and your brother have my whole heart.
Your dad and I promise to protect you; but that may not always be possible. So for those times that it’s not, I promise to teach you to understand your self-worth. To stand up for what’s right, to protect others that are less fortunate, to be strong and confident, to unapologetically love and take care of yourself.
As you grow up, it’s super important for me to know that you will always know your worth. That you deserve to be heard, to be seen, to be loved. And I promise you that you will always be loved, no matter what. Because you are worthy.
I can’t wait to meet you. And when you’re ready to meet us, your dad, your brother, and I will be here waiting with open arms.
Love,
Mama
What do you think I value? If you answered any of the following: Kindness, Love, Confidence, Justice, Family, Strength, Independence, Freedom, Peace, Community…then you’re right! These are my values. And in just that letter, you have had a glimpse into my very soul.
So then, your assignment is to do the same. Look at your letter and write down the values you see. Now, because what we wish for our children is often elevated, we may have left out things that are still important to us — like Success, Wealth, Accomplishment. Those may be important to you but left out in the letter. That’s ok, just add any missing Values you don’t see in the letter but that are still important for you.
Congrats! You just spent the past 15 minutes or so doing something that 99% of the earth’s population does not do — introspecting and identifying your Values. Oh! and writing a letter to your child (and/or setting up an email account for them for future letters, too!). That’s a HUGE accomplishment and I want to acknowledge you for that.
I’ll write a followup article, if anyone’s interested, in how to prioritize and make these values actionable. (I also run a workshop by the same title, by the way, for companies who are interested!) But for now, you’ve done great work. Share these values with your support system — partner, family member, friends, colleagues, etc. Sort out what each Value means for you. When you say Love — what does that look like? Is that through being generous? or spending time with others? or using kind words? etc.
Hope this was helpful; let me know what you think and what values or aha moments came up for you!
If you enjoyed this article and want to learn more about my coaching services, feel free to reach out and schedule a chemistry call with me here.
